Ponderings...

I have always been the biggest. I was always the fattest kid at school, the fattest person in the shopping centre, the fattest person at a work party, friends party, night club... whatever. I have been fat since I was 6, I am now 43. I have been fat forever, or as long as forever feels for me. My well meaning friends have said 'Kay, we can't imagine you thin, being bigger suits you'... or the good old classic 'You have such a pretty face, if only you could lose some weight'. Oh, the unspoken pain these well meaning friends can bring with these little remarks. But anyway, I have digressed.

I am now no longer the biggest. Not because of the measly 5kg I have lost in 2 months, but because the population really is getting fatter. I guess I really started to notice it about 10 years ago, so many more fat people. The clothes sizes have changed also. When I was a teenager there really was absolutely no decent looking clothes for anyone over size 18. I guess it's hard to understand that these days, but the clothing on the racks literally stopped at 18. There were specialist stores that sold kaftans for the fatties, but apart from getting your clothes made for you, that was pretty much it for larger sized clothing. Mostly larger sized ladies did get their clothing made for them.. sewn themselves, or by a friend or by the local seamstress. But these days, all the way up to size 26 in the regular old department stores like Target or BigW. We have no idea how much we larger ladies and gents are spoiled for choice these days ;) Not to mention the fantastic plus sized clothing in stores such as Autograph... gorgeous clothing.

When I first needed a bra, at the tender age of 11, my grandmother took me shopping... I had no mother around so it was my grandmother who tended to these types of girl things. I remember looking at these tiny training bra's, that 'all' the girls my age were wearing, and thinking... they wont go around me. The lady who was serving us didn't know what to do, the smallest woman's bra that would go around me had a C cup attached to it, which my little breasts just swam in. My grandmother spent the whole time appologising for my size, it was such a horrible, hurtful experience. Not the usual exciting time that most young girls have when they are buying their first bra. It was just embarrassing and demeaning and I couldn't wait to get out of that shop. In the end we didn't buy a bra. About a week later my aunty gave me an old bra she had and that was my one and only bra I had... for about 3 years. Now you can get 26B... oh the times they are a changing.

I saw at least 5 people who were bigger than me today while I was out and about shopping... I must have been ahead of my time ;)

Weigh In day 01/12/09

I have been sick all day, looks like my bad night was the onset of whatever this bug is I have. I feel really weak and my stomach is churning, my face is hot and my head hurts a bit. I hope it's just a 24 hour tummy bug thing.

I had my first gain in 2 months today.. but it was only 100gms, not much to worry about. Last week I was 136.4, today I was 136.5. I would say the wedding on the weekend had something to do with that.. good food and a few drinkies. But hell we never go out, I was going to enjoy myself!

But really, I feel too sick to care very much.

A really bad anxiety filled night.

Well it's 3.30am and I am having probably the worst night I have had in 2 or 3 years. I just woke for the 3rd time in panic... fun fun fun. I am really tired, but my anxiety is bad tonight and I keep on dozing off only to wake up with a jack hammer heart and spinning head. I am lying on the couch surrounded by my anxiety fixers... ice for my burning cheeks, chamomile tea for my frayed nerves and my beloved computer to distract my poor mind from it's state of emergency.

I am trying to think of the triggers for tonight's hell. I am due to ovulate tomorrow, this hormonal time often sees me feeling a bit edgy. I had a big slice of chocolate cake at midnight... never a good idea for me to eat late at night, especially something sugary and rich. My stomach is upset and I have been to the loo about 3 times, I think aforementioned cake has something to do with this. It's a full moon tomorrow... just throwing that one in. All these things put together on one night... too much for Kay.

It's 4am *sigh* I am starting to get the chills and shivers, which is usually a sign that my anxiety is starting to ease off, as crazy as that sounds. Gawd I am exhausted. I stepped on the scales before and I am now 1kg lighter than I was when I had my shower earlier in the night. All those trips to the toilet! Last week on weigh in day I was 136.4. My weight a moment ago was 136.8.. my weigh in day is today.. things are not looking good. Well unless I manage to lose .5 in the next 3 hours :s

It's almost 5am now. I just want to be able to close my eyes and sleep.

Weigh in Day 24/11/09

I had a nice loss of 1.2kg this week. I have been trying to pay more attention to serving sizes this week, coz I do believe that is half the problem. I come from a family of full plate eaters, it's a hard habit to break... but one that I am starting to win.

I hurt my shoulder this week, an old injury that I have. Also my right hip joint is sore. If I was a horse they'd shoot me lol

We have my nieces wedding to go to this weekend, I am really looking forward to it :)

I really need to start tracking again, it really does help keep you on plan and honest.

I weighed myself this morning and was 137.6kg. Female bodies are magical... fluid can just appear and then disappear overnight lol.

Weigh in Day

No loss this week, but no gain either.. so I guess that's something good. It's TTOTM at the moment and I don't want to use that as an excuse for not losing weight, but I don't think it helps. I have a goal to get to 135 by the end of the month, it's very doable... as long as I pull my finger out!

I need to exercise more, or at all really ;) I don't know, I seem to be always busy and always on my feet, when I get 5 mins to myself the last thing I want to do is bloody exercise. There is very little peace and quiet when you are running around after a 3 year old all day. Add a social 16 year old and energetic 10 year old into the mix and things get !@#$! hectic.

But there I go, making excuses again......

I think the Diet gods were looking down fondly on me this morning, as I had a .6 loss :)

I am thinking all this cleaning has helped, as it has certainly kept me on the go and moving about. But man, I am absolutely worn out now. I went into Nerissa's (3) room to vacumn this morning and I ended up completely moving her furniture around. We are trying to entice her out of her cot and into a big bed, I thought a new look for her room might help... we'll have to see on that one lol

Jarrod bought home fried rice for lunch for us... it was yummy.. and of course I had too much of it ;)
I am cooking Chicken Chasseur for tea, a recipe I found on the WW site, it looks yummy. :)