Ponderings...

I have always been the biggest. I was always the fattest kid at school, the fattest person in the shopping centre, the fattest person at a work party, friends party, night club... whatever. I have been fat since I was 6, I am now 43. I have been fat forever, or as long as forever feels for me. My well meaning friends have said 'Kay, we can't imagine you thin, being bigger suits you'... or the good old classic 'You have such a pretty face, if only you could lose some weight'. Oh, the unspoken pain these well meaning friends can bring with these little remarks. But anyway, I have digressed.

I am now no longer the biggest. Not because of the measly 5kg I have lost in 2 months, but because the population really is getting fatter. I guess I really started to notice it about 10 years ago, so many more fat people. The clothes sizes have changed also. When I was a teenager there really was absolutely no decent looking clothes for anyone over size 18. I guess it's hard to understand that these days, but the clothing on the racks literally stopped at 18. There were specialist stores that sold kaftans for the fatties, but apart from getting your clothes made for you, that was pretty much it for larger sized clothing. Mostly larger sized ladies did get their clothing made for them.. sewn themselves, or by a friend or by the local seamstress. But these days, all the way up to size 26 in the regular old department stores like Target or BigW. We have no idea how much we larger ladies and gents are spoiled for choice these days ;) Not to mention the fantastic plus sized clothing in stores such as Autograph... gorgeous clothing.

When I first needed a bra, at the tender age of 11, my grandmother took me shopping... I had no mother around so it was my grandmother who tended to these types of girl things. I remember looking at these tiny training bra's, that 'all' the girls my age were wearing, and thinking... they wont go around me. The lady who was serving us didn't know what to do, the smallest woman's bra that would go around me had a C cup attached to it, which my little breasts just swam in. My grandmother spent the whole time appologising for my size, it was such a horrible, hurtful experience. Not the usual exciting time that most young girls have when they are buying their first bra. It was just embarrassing and demeaning and I couldn't wait to get out of that shop. In the end we didn't buy a bra. About a week later my aunty gave me an old bra she had and that was my one and only bra I had... for about 3 years. Now you can get 26B... oh the times they are a changing.

I saw at least 5 people who were bigger than me today while I was out and about shopping... I must have been ahead of my time ;)

Weigh In day 01/12/09

I have been sick all day, looks like my bad night was the onset of whatever this bug is I have. I feel really weak and my stomach is churning, my face is hot and my head hurts a bit. I hope it's just a 24 hour tummy bug thing.

I had my first gain in 2 months today.. but it was only 100gms, not much to worry about. Last week I was 136.4, today I was 136.5. I would say the wedding on the weekend had something to do with that.. good food and a few drinkies. But hell we never go out, I was going to enjoy myself!

But really, I feel too sick to care very much.

A really bad anxiety filled night.

Well it's 3.30am and I am having probably the worst night I have had in 2 or 3 years. I just woke for the 3rd time in panic... fun fun fun. I am really tired, but my anxiety is bad tonight and I keep on dozing off only to wake up with a jack hammer heart and spinning head. I am lying on the couch surrounded by my anxiety fixers... ice for my burning cheeks, chamomile tea for my frayed nerves and my beloved computer to distract my poor mind from it's state of emergency.

I am trying to think of the triggers for tonight's hell. I am due to ovulate tomorrow, this hormonal time often sees me feeling a bit edgy. I had a big slice of chocolate cake at midnight... never a good idea for me to eat late at night, especially something sugary and rich. My stomach is upset and I have been to the loo about 3 times, I think aforementioned cake has something to do with this. It's a full moon tomorrow... just throwing that one in. All these things put together on one night... too much for Kay.

It's 4am *sigh* I am starting to get the chills and shivers, which is usually a sign that my anxiety is starting to ease off, as crazy as that sounds. Gawd I am exhausted. I stepped on the scales before and I am now 1kg lighter than I was when I had my shower earlier in the night. All those trips to the toilet! Last week on weigh in day I was 136.4. My weight a moment ago was 136.8.. my weigh in day is today.. things are not looking good. Well unless I manage to lose .5 in the next 3 hours :s

It's almost 5am now. I just want to be able to close my eyes and sleep.

Weigh in Day 24/11/09

I had a nice loss of 1.2kg this week. I have been trying to pay more attention to serving sizes this week, coz I do believe that is half the problem. I come from a family of full plate eaters, it's a hard habit to break... but one that I am starting to win.

I hurt my shoulder this week, an old injury that I have. Also my right hip joint is sore. If I was a horse they'd shoot me lol

We have my nieces wedding to go to this weekend, I am really looking forward to it :)

I really need to start tracking again, it really does help keep you on plan and honest.

I weighed myself this morning and was 137.6kg. Female bodies are magical... fluid can just appear and then disappear overnight lol.

Weigh in Day

No loss this week, but no gain either.. so I guess that's something good. It's TTOTM at the moment and I don't want to use that as an excuse for not losing weight, but I don't think it helps. I have a goal to get to 135 by the end of the month, it's very doable... as long as I pull my finger out!

I need to exercise more, or at all really ;) I don't know, I seem to be always busy and always on my feet, when I get 5 mins to myself the last thing I want to do is bloody exercise. There is very little peace and quiet when you are running around after a 3 year old all day. Add a social 16 year old and energetic 10 year old into the mix and things get !@#$! hectic.

But there I go, making excuses again......

I think the Diet gods were looking down fondly on me this morning, as I had a .6 loss :)

I am thinking all this cleaning has helped, as it has certainly kept me on the go and moving about. But man, I am absolutely worn out now. I went into Nerissa's (3) room to vacumn this morning and I ended up completely moving her furniture around. We are trying to entice her out of her cot and into a big bed, I thought a new look for her room might help... we'll have to see on that one lol

Jarrod bought home fried rice for lunch for us... it was yummy.. and of course I had too much of it ;)
I am cooking Chicken Chasseur for tea, a recipe I found on the WW site, it looks yummy. :)

Gawd, what a day! I have been fighting a flea infestation in our house. I have had to strip all the bedrooms and vacumn them to within an inch a their lives. We have bought flea bombs and flea stuff to treat the cats and oh man... so much nuclear strength flea rid stuff lol Talk about a work out! I am aching all over from moving furniture and cleaning all day. Oh well... some good could come of it, as tomorrow is weigh in day hehehe

I need all the help I can get this week, coz I have been filling my plate too much.

A strange thing happened last night. I stepped onto the scales after I had a shower and it read 138.1 kg. My eyes almost fell out of my head! When I weighed in on Tuesday I was 138.6... how in the world did I lose half a kilo in 4 days, when I have been over doing the food a fair bit for the past 3 days. It's like a miracle LOL

Now I feel so guilty, it's as if my body has given me a bonus weight loss even though I did nothing to deserve it. Now I really feel like I need to stick to my points and pay my body back for it's kind gift LOL I know it sounds insane ;)

Mind you, maybe my body is just playing mind tricks with me and I will get on the scales on tuesday and the miracle half a kilo will reappear lol

eeek... I ate to many of the chicken muffins, they were so delicious!

*puts muffins on banned list*

lol

Sleepy Saturday

I feel like I have been sleeping all day today... I just can't seem to wake up *yawn*

I had a great start to the day eating wise and had 50g of Special K Advantage and skim milk. Then the fam decided they wanted fish and chips for lunch. Since I started WW I have been getting a piece of grilled fish and weighing out about 70g of hot chips. Well... I got the grilled fish... then weighed out my 70g of chips... then added a couple more.. 100g... just another few I thought. I stopped looking at the scales then lol Somewhere between 150 and 200g of chips I would imagine :s So we won't talk about that anymore.

For tea tonight I am cooking Chicken, Bacon & Vegetable Savoury Muffins, we are having them with some Continental Fried Rice. 3 muffins and 70g of rice = 6 points. It should be something a bit different for tea.

I better go start on them actually.... but I really just want to snooooze.

Wii Fit Friday

I am calling my post Wii Fit Friday to try to guilt myself into getting onto the damn thing. I quite enjoy it when I am using it, it's just getting it out that sometimes stops me.

I have been busy all morning cleaning bathroom, vaccing out the whole house and toilet training my little girl. Oh the joy of toilet training. Luckily she is doing really well and hopefully a couple of weeks will see us done with day training at least.

I had a nice and healthy brekky of yogurt and fruit, then was planning on having WW soup for lunch. But I ended up having 2 rolls with 97% fat free chicken breast and a smear of gherkin spread. It was only 6 points, but I didn't want to have a high carby lunch, as we are having healthy beef burgers for tea. But I just really wanted chicken. I am finding that I crave protein more than I do sweet stuff at the moment. I guess I can satisfy the sweet craving fairly easily with a little WW icecream tub. The ones with choc and caramel sauce are to die for and really satisfying.. and only 2 points. The WW triple choc cookies are yummo too... 2 bikkies for 1 point.. it rocks! But yes.. no substitute for chicken when I get that craving.

I have discovered this delicious point free drink. I mix the WW Berry Cordial with low cal lemonade and it makes a really nice fizzy 0 point drink!

So tired today, want a nanna nap.

Thursday

Thursday... the day I go grocery shopping and have a Wendy's coffee chilla afterwards. It's 7 points, but meh... it's breakfast.

I find meal planning such a drudge, but I would be lost without my weekly menu plan and shopping list. People who know I plan the fam's weekly menu ahead, think I am being such a domestic goddess, but really I am not. I just hate standing in front of the freezer, trying to decide what meat to pull out for dinner that night. I also hate going shopping and trying to work out what to buy for a weeks worth of meals. So by working it out on wednesday and entering the war zone (supermarket) with a shopping list, I am making what I find a boring chore, a little less woeful ;)

All the meals I am cooking are diet friendly and the fam are happily eating them, this makes life sooo much easier! There are just so many products out there now that are low fat, it makes it easy to adapt your regular recipes to a more healthy version. The man is carrying a bit of extra weight also, so he is keeping quiet and eating what I tell him to ;) Well for dinner at least, I know there is a few Macca brekkys still happening for him lol

... call from my daughters school, she isn't feeling well. Better go pick her up and end my rambling on :)

Something occurred to me today, as I was plating up my lunch. I am getting used to less food on my plate... I am not feeling deprived. Every time I have tried dieting in the past, I feel deprived and sometimes even angry that I cannot have what I want. It's a strange way to feel. It makes me think that maybe the old 'food as comfort' thing really does apply to me. I never thought it did, because I wouldn't sit down and binge on a packet of chips or eat half a cake or whatever, I have never done that. I think I just overeat at every single meal... filling myself up, comforting myself.

I started putting on weight when I was 6, that was also the time when my mother walked out. My dad raised my brother and I in the 70's, a time when there was no such thing as a single father who wasn't a widower. I don't want to get all "Oprah" and say that I was eating my feelings or trying to fill the void that my mother left behind... but damn it, it kinda makes sense. Funny how I have never really put that together before. I guess I would just so hate to be a cliche ;)

Step by step I want to put this all together. Why have I spent 37 years filling my plate and filling myself up to way past full. I just want to be a normal weight, I don't want to stand out from the crowd for all the wrong reasons.

A good beginning...

So here I go again.

I have been on WW for a week now and so far so good. Wow, go me.. a whole week! ;)

I was reading somewhere about the journey we go on when we decide to try to lose some weight. How the 'journey' is more important than the end, how we need to stay dedicated to the journey. I say rubbish to that! I don't want the journey, hell if I could go straight to the end result I would. Everyone would... and I have pretty much tried them all.
- Jenny Craig - Food tasted plastic and made the toilet and I become best buddies.
- Shakes - Too hard to combine with family life. Make the family yummy ham sandwitches while I drink a shake.. err no thanks.
- Atkins - Fabulous weight loss, it just fell off me. I missed bread and citrus fruit. Really restricted food choice, I like variety damn it! Once again hard to combine with family meals.

I have been really strong over the last week, not finishing a plate of food, pushing away bad stuff, making good choices and feeling stronger for it. Maybe strong is not the right word.. control is a better way to explain it. I feel 'in control'. For how long.. who knows. I don't want to be all yay yay positive, because when you once again fail... it's such a long way to fall. I am being positively pessimistic ;)

I used the Wii Fit today. It's fun, it's private, and I just dig those little Wii people exercising their pixelated butts off. I have to be careful of my right shoulder though, I was using it a few months ago and ended up screwing up my shoulder. So I am concentrating on aerobic exercise and staying away from the muscle strengthening stuff.

I just put Nerissa down for her afternoon nap and I feel like one myself! hehe